Lost (updated)

Lately I've been all over the place. Even this post was a complete mess just a few hours ago (and probably still is).

My point is this. I'm kinda feeling, well, a bit lost. And I really don't know what to do. Other then to do what I always do. Embrace it, write about it, and then let it slowly destroy me. Seriously, I'm not feeling terrible, just a bit disoriented. I'm still shooting almost everyday. But I'm not eating. And I'm constantly tired. But I am sleeping well, so that's a good sign, I think.

Today for example. I didn't leave the house. Other then to go look for my notebook (below). And although that was the right thing to do, to not leave the house, I couldn't flippin' relax at all. I was just pacing back and forth. I can't even sit down and read. It's like I don't have the energy. I almost don't have the energy to think. And that scares me.

A few days ago I started to feel the downward spiral hit, and either its completely psychological, and stems from my mishap last week, or I need a break. I got word a few days ago that I double exposed a sheet of 4x5 film, and that I had about twice as many blank sheets come up then normal. Every once in a while I will get two or three sheets that pop up blank, and this comes from my being extra careful. While I am shooting, I usually try and keep an accurate number of how many sheets of film I have left. For example: after I got done shooting a portrait yesterday, I counted one unexposed sheet of film left. But say I come home and download the film, and I find two sheets of unexposed film. Then I get weirded out. Chances are I just didn't see the second one, but there is also a chance that I forgot to mark the portrait I just took as shot/exposed. So to be safe, I will download both of those sheets and send them off to get developed. Ninety percent of the time they are both blank. But if there is a chance that the film does carry a latent image, and I don't send it off to be developed, then I will use that sheet the next day, and double expose the film, possibly ruining a great shot. So, not only did I recently have five blank sheets pop up on me, a double exposed sheet came up as well. My second double exposure since 2004.

And to top it all off. last week I lost my favorite hat, which was my grandfathers. And yesterday I realized that I lost my Boonville, Indiana Notebook. It carries all of my thoughts and ideas for Indiana, not too mention the phone #s of the people I still want to photograph, and all the info of the people I have already photographed. It felt like losing a hard drive. It was devastating. Luckily, I decided to copy about 70% of the info from that book into my computer so I could print it out and prop it up on my dashboard in the car. So although I did lose all the info of the people I have photographed, I did save a few numbers, and most of my ideas to date. And that is a lot better then losing it all. I still hate the idea of someone out there with that notebook, but I'll get over it.

UPDATE: I just realized that I may have lost my notebook the last time I used my jacket as a darkcloth, which I do too often. I thought the book may have fallen out of my pocket while I was shooting near the railroad tracks. So I went back to the spot. And within one minute I found both my pen and my notebook. Nice.