get out of your own way, Tim!
At the bottom of this post you will find a page taken from my Journal, from five months ago (I've been reading through them lately). It pretty much sums up how I feel today, and yesterday, and the day before.
It's interesting how exactly five months ago I was feeling scared and confused, mostly about the project and the work. I've come a long way since October, 5, 2007, but I'm still confused from time to time. And I'm almost always scared of something. Usually it is something regarding my process, or lack of will, or money issues, but last night it was actually the wind. At about 12:30am I heard a bunch of noises, sounds of footsteps: I quietly undid my sleeping bag, opened my knife, and quickly zipped open my tent while I gracefully crawled towards the intruder -- hahahaha, I'm just like Rambo.
But seriously, each town is a new and completely different situation. And I still find myself going through the same, and necessary, motions to fully understand my place in it. I'm currently dealing with a bit of that. Five months ago I was down right scared. Now I have a bit of respect and understanding for it. But it still takes its toll.
Updated:
If I have sounded negative or put-upon in some posts regarding these struggles, I do not mean to. I'm having the time of my life, and I get to create art every single day! I'm loving every minute of it. Even the struggles. They're kinda the best part. They continue to make me think, and grow. And I don't think art is only about struggling, or pain, but I do think both of those things are strongly connected to the process of creating art. And with that comes meaningful work (crossing fingers). ###
It's interesting how exactly five months ago I was feeling scared and confused, mostly about the project and the work. I've come a long way since October, 5, 2007, but I'm still confused from time to time. And I'm almost always scared of something. Usually it is something regarding my process, or lack of will, or money issues, but last night it was actually the wind. At about 12:30am I heard a bunch of noises, sounds of footsteps: I quietly undid my sleeping bag, opened my knife, and quickly zipped open my tent while I gracefully crawled towards the intruder -- hahahaha, I'm just like Rambo.
But seriously, each town is a new and completely different situation. And I still find myself going through the same, and necessary, motions to fully understand my place in it. I'm currently dealing with a bit of that. Five months ago I was down right scared. Now I have a bit of respect and understanding for it. But it still takes its toll.
Updated:
If I have sounded negative or put-upon in some posts regarding these struggles, I do not mean to. I'm having the time of my life, and I get to create art every single day! I'm loving every minute of it. Even the struggles. They're kinda the best part. They continue to make me think, and grow. And I don't think art is only about struggling, or pain, but I do think both of those things are strongly connected to the process of creating art. And with that comes meaningful work (crossing fingers). ###
"Boonville, New York, October 5, 2007
The hardest thing seems to be getting passed the fear. I have tons of self-doubt. It seems to be taking over. The fear is thick. Today I felt genuinely afraid and alone. I know what I must do, and I want to do it, it just seems to be getting harder. I believe I will struggle with this project up until the end. That is not comforting. Personal quests are meant to be filled with fear, guilt and self-doubt, that is why they are worth doing, to push me forward, right? Powerful ideas and projects are full of struggles and setbacks. My mind has to be strong. I have to believe. Or I will fail, this is certain. I must reach beyond myself, get out of my own mind, and see it from a different perspective -- get out of your own way, Tim!"
Labels: Texas
posted by Timothy Briner at
10:22 AM
7 Comments:
Lighten up, man! I understand loneliness, and yes, there are pitfalls and things to be fearful about, but you put too much pressure on yourself, and you seem to dwell on your fear and negative feelings. It's like you've bought some idea that art is supposed to hurt, or you feel guilty about doing what you are doing, so you make it harder on your self, as if adding that sort of existential gravitas will make it somehow more worth-while. Come on! I know it's tough, but your focus on this counter-productive aspect of the project isn't helping you. Get out of your head, and look around at where you are and what you are doing. Find some way to interact with people that isn't about the project. Just be a person with them. It'll ease your loneliness, and you'll get to better know the folks you are trying to observe and document with your work.
Be gentle with yourself- and don't wallow!
Thanks, i think.
I'm light. It's a journal post from five months ago. Just Found it interesting that moments like that are always coming back. You know me. We talk almost every day. It's up and down. Last night was tough. This morning, after getting up from last night, was tough. Life is about ups and downs, and so is this process. I think art, and the many things that come with it, ARE difficult, and challenging, just like any worthwhile pursuit. I don't mean to always sound negative, and I don't think I always do, but the road can be lonely. And sometimes I do need to get out and meet people, but other times I need to reflect and observe. I want isolation. It's part of the process. And right now I was just giving you a glimpse into a journal entry from a while back -- I'm not wallowing, well, I guess I was then.
And trust me, I'm not trying to make it harder on myself -- or make it seem like it's the most difficult thing in the world. It's not fucking digging for oil, but it's still exhausting. And I feel how I feel.
Drew - I love you and you're an awesome friend to Tim and I truly appreciate your support of him, but I have to STRONGLY take issue with your comment.
Yes, I agree that Tim (and most great artists) are their own toughest critics - and Tim's advice to himself to get out of his own way is very appropriate. Sometimes he is so hard on himself that it immobilizes him. However, he always gets through those hard times and I believe, is better off for them.
For you to imply that he is somehow choosing to dwell in fear and negativity in order to lend some kind of artistic credibility to his work is frankly, bullshit. Yes, we all have to work hard not to get in a self-defeating frame of mind but I don't think I know anyone else who would be as strong and as brave to do what Tim is doing without having some pretty rough moments.
One of my major pet peeves is anyone telling anyone else HOW TO FEEL, especially when people say trite shit like "lighten up" or "relax." You are not where Tim is and no one can possibly know how he or anyone should be feeling. In my experience, it is the darker parts of any journey that make the lighter parts worthwhile and recognizable. That goes for Tim's journey and it goes for life in general. I think what makes Tim an amazing artist is not just his bravery to be taking this odyssey, but to be allowing himself to go to those darker places inside. And he not only goes there, but he SHARES it with all of us!!!
So, yes, Tim, be gentle with yourself. But you wallow all you fucking want.
Wow. There's passion. Laura, I love you and your defense and support of Tim. I agree with you that it's offensive for someone to tell someone else how to feel, but that's not what I was doing, and I did a pretty piss-poor job of expressing myself if that's how it came off.
I am trying to encourage Tim to see things in what I think are a more helpful and positive and light way.
Personally, I believe that 90% of the whole tortured artist routine is bullshit. Either way, 90% of it is counter-productive- you cannot be a good observer or documentarian of the world around you if you are too introspective. We all slip into this mode sometimes, and Tim is no different.
Don't doubt how much I believe in Tim, and in this project. I see his work everyday; I know how hard he is working on this. And I know how hard it is to do what he's doing. I'm just trying to encourage and help him. Cajoling or being a little rough is sometimes the best way to get some to go easy on themselves.
I know that your post included thoughts from an old journal entry. I'd never have the balls to publicize my journal entries; my response is to you, as they guy I talk to most days, the guy who wrote that entry, and they guy who has gone through this whole thing. Some amount of your fear and doubt helps your project; some amount of it hurts you. I don't want to see too much of it get to you, both for your own good, and for the good of the project. I know I shouldn't worry much about it hurting the work- the work is strong- I just worry about Tim. Sometimes.
Laura, you need to lighten up and relax!
Artsy angst is so very overrated and anyone who reads this blog knows that Tim is a broken record who should probably be on medication by now... also, girlfriend advice is to be taken with a grain of salt: your bias is so bright it's blinding everyone in the room, including yourself.
Hahahaha. I am on medication.
Tim,
Have you thought about coming back to Boonville, NY to see if you "see" it differently?
~Bartender from the Hulbert HOuse
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